September 2005, I walked around school with confidence because I was a senior. Four years later and I'm a senior again, except I'm not so cocky. As a freshmen, I thought the seniors had everything together. They lived in real apartments, knew a ton about their major, had friends outside of their ward, and they knew what they wanted to do with their life. Most of my assumptions were true. I do have quite of few friends outside of my ward and I do live in a real apartment, but for knowing what I'm going to do with my life, that's not quite as secure as I imagined.
I'm not stumbling around clueless about where I want to be in the next ten years. I want to be a professor which means grad school and I'm excited to go to grad school, but I couldn't tell you which one I'm excited to go to. I've decided to send my application to 5 schools: the University of Arizona, Arizona State University, Colorado University, Utah University, and BYU. I go back and forth about which one I want to end up at, but the truth is I'll go where I'm accepted and there's a chance I won't get accepted to any this year.
Taking this next step in my life, I realize I could be anywhere in ten years. Plan or no plan, things happen and I'll have to adapt. I'll admit this is a very scary thought. School has been a constant. In high school, I knew I'd go to college and that college would be BYU, but now I don't know where I'll end up, what obstacles I'll meet in getting my masters or doctorate, where I'll work, or if I will still be a professor. I've so many options right now.
Scared isn't my only emotion though. I'm ready to graduate and see what happens. It's like opening up one of those surprise gift bags; I really want to see what's inside, but I'm afraid it will be tacky knick knacks. Obviously, I have more control of my life than opening a gift bag, but still I don't have control over everything. I'm working hard to stay on top of my homework,I'm already thinking about my final papers, and I'm studying to take the GRE. Still, I wonder if it will be enough.
Until I know which school I'm going to, I'll be restless, but I'm also enjoying my senior year. London movie nights are going strong, I've been to so many beginning of the year socials I know almost every ice breaker game that exists, and you can bet I've been watching BYU football (even when it's painful). Right now my weeks are full of books and my weekends full of friends. I'm not the big woman on campus, but it's good to be a senior again.